omgwtf!

New York

I live in a beautiful place, a city
people claim to be astonished
when you say you live there.
They talk of junkies, muggings, dirt, and noise,
missing the point completely.
I tell them where they live it is hell,
a land of frozen people.
They never think of people.

Home, I am astonished by this environment
that is also a form of nature
like those paradises of trees and grass,
but this is a people paradise,
where we are the creatures mostly,
though thank God for dogs, cats, sparrows, and roaches.
This vertical place is no more an accident
than the Himalayas are.
The city needs all those tall buildings
to contain the tremendous energy here.
The landscape is in a state of balance.
We do God’s will whether we know it or not:
where I live the streets end in a river of sunlight.

Nowhere else in the country do people
show just what they feel—
we don’t put on any act.
Look at the way New Yorkers
walk down the street. It says,
I don’t care. What nerve,
to dare to live their dreams, or nightmares,
and no one bothers to look.

True, you have to be an expert to live here.
Part of the trick is not to go anywhere, lounge about,
go slowly in the midst of the rush for novelty.
Anyway, besides the eats the big event here
is the streets, which are full of love—
we hug and kiss a lot. You can’t say that
for anywhere else around. For some
it’s a carnival of sex—
there’s all the opportunity in the world.
For me it is no different:
out walking, my soul seeks its food.
It knows what it wants.
Instantly it recognizes its mate, our eyes meet,
and our beings exchange a vital energy,
the universe goes on Charge,
and we pass by without holding.

Droplets (0)

Yeah, Malibu is on fire again.  I got the email last night from emergency email service that the Santa Anas were coming through and sure enough, in the wee hours the flames erupted.

When I woke this morning at 7.30, the blaze covered 289 acres.  It’s now a 4,500-acre monster and it’s jumped the PCH and headed west.  At least the wind is beginning to die down and they’ve got it one-quarter contained at this point, though.  Several firefighters have been hurt, and dozens of homes have been destroyed.  The smoke from this one is supposed to be really intense.  I just hope it doesnt drift this way; I’ve had enough allergy problems to deal with ever since the last one.  This is getting fucking ridiculous.
Most importantly, though, I hope nobody loses their lives this time.

Firefighters make progress against blaze near Malibu - CNN.com

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So a couple days ago, I tracked my brother down and found an email address for the cold-cunt bitch he lives with, and contacted her to let him contact me because I wanted to give him some information I thought he needed to have.

He’s still a complete and total asshole.   I can see now why they stuck together for so long.  They are both so selfish, pretentious, and insufferable that nobody else could possibly stand to be near them, and my brother is such a witless moron that the idea of his surviving on his own is pretty much out of the question.
It’s funny how a one-line email can impart so many things, isnt it?

Droplets (0)

…I dont think it means what they think it means.

I’d call them fucking barbarians, but that would be an insult to barbarians. Let’s see, how about knuckle-dragging, subhuman, semi-evolved, mentally deranged throwbacks…now that’s more like it.

The human gene pool desperately needs some fucking chlorine.

The Saudi government recently has taken some steps toward bettering the situation of women in the kingdom, including the establishment earlier this year of special courts to handle domestic abuse cases, adoption of a new labor law that addresses working women’s rights, and creation of a human rights commission.

Emphasis is mine. Why they’d choose to make this the last paragraph of a story that has absolutely zero with doing any bettering of anything in any way is beyond me, but CNN isn’t exactly known for their stellar journalism.

Story is C&P after the jump (for posterity).

Saudi court ups punishment for gang-rape victim - CNN.com

(wait, I can explain…)

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Allergies fucking suck. ARGH.

Droplets (0)

I unabashedly and unapologetically stole that title from Yaz. It’s the best phrase evar.

I was just kind of looking at this blog and my MySpace page and realizing that I really am lamest. Man, I have to update all this shit, dont I? Holy crap.

My therapy is going really well. I’m starting to feel all kinds of things that I haven’t felt in many years and this past session was incredibly eye-opening and a really, really good session. I want to give a shout-out to the woman who is my therapist. She’s fucking great at what she does. She really is. I really, really admire her a great deal, and I totally lucked out when I finally, at long last found her. I strongly suspect that the only thing we have in common is that we both happen to be female, but she wades right in there and she gets things and pulls things out of nowhere that are simply fucking astonishing and that someone with lesser skill simply could not do - and boy, do I know that from personal experience. But this is totally different, and I’m unbelievably grateful that I found her.

This is relevant here because since I’ve started therapy with her I feel like I’m kind of waking up from a very long, very exhausting slumber, which is good because that’s exactly what’s supposed to happen. In fact, lots of things that I know are supposed to happen with good therapy are happening, and that’s compounding the gladness and excitement I feel about the therapy in the first place. But waking up and looking around also means seeing exactly what kind of shit I’ve gotten buried in and realizing that I’m going to have to find ways to dig out of it.

I’m starting to do that in some extremely important ways - see the credit card entry below - but this past session over the weekend showed me something I never before realized and something which explains a phenomenally large part of the anger I’m constantly feeling, and the instant she said it it felt like…like chains came unbound or something. I can’t explain what I mean or how it felt because I’m still way too dulled from that slumber to be able to write well at all anymore (for now), but I can tell you that the feeling has lasted for almost three days now and it’s something I’ve been constantly thinking about. And yes, it ties in directly with this website and I am lamest because this website is a boring pile of shit. :O! I mean, I like the colours and stuff (which is something, I guess), but I haven’t updated linkzorz in a million years and there’s no real personalization to it, is there?

Yeah, more stuff to think about as I continue to wake up. I start things and then I abandon them and now for the first time EVER because of this past therapy session, I’m beginning to start to see why I do it. I really am. And I’m tremendously excited and hopeful at the prospect that this will not only continue, but get better and better and better.

This is fucking great. I am lamest! But I’m getting better

No cart for me!

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So I finally broke through the barrier and got a new credit card! Not a secured one, an actual credit card with Credit One Bank. They’re not actually a bank, and the card itself is probably the shittiest card in credit card history, but it’s got MY name on it, and it’s got a tiny adorable little $200 credit limit, and it’s something I’ve been waiting for for many, many moons so that I can finally start putting some positives on what for over a decade has been a very negative credit rating.

I just spent about a half-hour staring at my account on their website and all the lovely $0.00 notations that appeared today under “balance due” - I paid the thing in full on Friday and spent an anxious weekend checking it roughly every 13 seconds to make sure that the payment posted. When I got the “preapproved” offer for the card in the mail a couple weeks ago I was extremely skeptical, but leapt at the chance to finally have a real live credit card again because for about three months now I’ve been trying to get a card again. My credit this summer finally went from “omfg no” to “no credit history” because all the bad stuff has finally dropped off. I knew it was just a matter of time before someone said “well, okay…we’ll take a chance on you,” but had had no luck and didnt want a secured card.

Then this offer came in the mail and I checked them out and yeah, the company is horrible, but this is where you start over, and I’m okay with that. This is where you begin, reestablish, and then move on to better cards with better companies. And it was pretty funny reading up on them because Credit One has a terrible reputation. Shocking, I know. But I noticed as I was reading that the loudest complaints seem to be coming from the folks who were bad credit risks, got the card, and continued to fuck around by making payments either late or so close to the deadline that they were doomed to be late, or shit like that.

Now I’ve got no doubt that this company is awful and that any problems with them are bound to be magnified by a factor of about a million when compared to dealing with a far more reputable credit card company (if there are any - sounds like an oxymoron to me), but the thing that worried me was I saw a couple people had made payments online and didnt see them posted for 14 days, or so they said. So that kind of scared the shit out of me and that’s why I was camping the online statement for three days. I honestly didnt think it would post today, being Veteran’s Day and all, but it did, and I’m all about the YIPPIEEEE!

I paid it through my checking account so I’d not only have the Credit One confirmation numbers but my bank would have a record of the payment, too, and Credit One can’t turn around and tell me they never got it. Since I dont trust the company, I’m being super cautious, but really, now that I see they even posted on a holiday and I’ve already been through the process once now, I am going to go with the belief that as long as I make a payment the day I get the statement, it’ll be posted within a few days, never even go near the “due by” date, and I’ll be fine.

I monitor my credit reports carefully now, and I saw yesterday that Credit One has reported a new account to all three credit bureaus, just like they said they would. So that’s great, too. And in six or eight or 12 months from now, when I have months of unbroken, on time, more-than-minimum payments every single month, I’ll be able to tag one of the better companies and see if they’ll give me a better card, and get rid of this one and its four million percent APR, compounded six times daily and twice extra on Sunday.

Why am I telling you this? Because the day I got that card it was like a prison door opened in my life. It is my Next Chance at a Fresh Start. And I know that I’m going to do great with it because the only reason I got screwed in the first place was because I got laid off and couldn’t pay the bills and they wouldn’t allow me to enroll in the credit protection thingie even when I told the companies about the pending layoffs I was facing more than 90 days in advance. But up until the day I got laid off, I was paying about double the monthly minimum on all three credit cards I had at the time, and was doing extremely well with them and building a pretty good credit rating as a result. And that was on a significantly lower income than I have now. So I know that I can do extremely well with this thing, especially since it’s only a $200 limit, and I can’t really get into trouble with that. And even so, I enrolled in the credit protection thingie anyway. Never again will I be that fucking stupid and not enroll in the credit protection thingie.

So yeah, I got that card in the mail and actually had it out sitting on my desk, propped up against my monitor for about two days before I carefully and lovingly tucked it into my wallet. I couldnt stop staring at it. It is only a small rectangle of silver plastic, but for me, the incredibly significant meaning of this little card makes it completely transcend what it is to most people. I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t stop staring at it, I can’t stop checking that stupid account page on their website and grinning cheesily as I gaze at that lovely, lovely $0.00 balance. And I’m cogitating very, very carefully what I want to buy first with it.

I was thinking maybe this and this. They have a buy them both and get a deal thing going for them on Amazon.com. But then there’s also this, which is enormously tempting, as well. And then there’s this. And this is also awesome.

And then, of course, almost (but not quite) everything on this list here is extremely tempting, but I do have to go through and update it with the newer stuff that’s come out since I built that list.

This is all just so exciting.

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