omgwtf!

I’m madly in love with every single rat I have ever had. But every so often one truly special little beast comes along that grabs my heart in a special way.

Lotus was one of those rats. He was an extraordinary creature from the very first day we met. I never met a rat quite like him. He was probably the most loving rat I’ve ever known. And that’s saying a lot - rats are extremely affectionate.

He had some bad health problems for most of his life. It is astounding that he lived as long as he did. I spent nearly every waking - and sleeping - moment with him. And yet, at the end, I was not there. He was tucked away in his special blankie on my bed - he couldnt sleep anywhere else, he’d have panic attacks - and I checked on him every 10 or 15 minutes as I made dinner tonight. During one of those brief interludes, he died. After all of these months of constant, unending care, broken sleep, medications day and night, I failed him when he most needed me to be there. He died alone. I missed him by literal minutes. I never even had a chance to say goodbye or tell him how much I loved him.

I am fucking shredded. I failed him in the worst possible way. I hope he wasn’t scared. If only I’d checked on him five minutes sooner! Just five minutes sooner…

I can only hope that at the end he did not feel that I abandoned him. I loved him with every particle of my being. I knew for months there was no hope that he would survive his illness, and still now that it’s over, even though I know he’s better off now, it’s ripping my heart out of me.

Goodbye, Lotus. I hope that you know that I would have given anything, done anything, to be there with you. I did not abandon you. Please believe me. I will never forgive myself for not being there for you after all these weeks and months of constant vigilance.

I’m so very, very sorry.

Snow-Flakes

Out of the bosom of the Air,
Out of the cloud-folds of her garments shaken,
Over the woodlands brown and bare,
Over the harvest-fields forsaken,
Silent, and soft, and slow
Descends the snow.
Even as our cloudy fancies take
Suddenly shape in some divine expression,
Even as the troubled heart doth make
In the white countenance confession,
The troubled sky reveals
The grief it feels.
This is the poem of the air,
Slowly in silent syllables recorded;
This is the secret of despair.
Long in its cloudy bosom hoarded,
Now whispered and revealed
To wood and field.
- Longfellow

Droplets (1)

Wherever you are.

Youre a pathetic sack of arrogant, pretentious shit, but I hope that youre doing well.

Droplets (0)

Holly died tonight, about an hour ago. This picture was taken exactly two months ago, 14 December 2006:

My lil hairless ones are gone now. Holly was just so awesome. Because she was a hairless albino, in many ways she looked just like a tiny, pink pig. She had a very, very long life - she was around 38 months old, which is venerable indeed for a rat - and I hope she lived a happy time. She was so healthy and cheerful, and I was glad to be here at the very end for her.

Safe journeys to you, my little piggy girl, and someday I’ll catch up to you and your beautiful brother again. Say hi now and then, if you get the chance.

I miss you.

<3<3<3

Comments(2)