omgwtf!

There was a guy I worked with for a while in Minnesota. His name was Kevin. I met him through the temp agency I worked with; not Adecco, but another, smaller agency that I had contact with the entire time I lived in the state. They were a great temp agency, and they always treated me right. They were small, and Kate, the daughter of the woman who owned the place, was a friend.

I met Kevin when I got signed up to do some work for Funco, who was at the time changing over all their old Point Of Sale systems for new Dells with new point of sale software on it. I was the one who built most of those systems for them. Hope they worked out for you guys.

Anyway, Kevin was good people and a lot of fun. He wanted to work as a nurse helping the elderly. One of his more memorable quotes was “I can wipe an ass with one hand and eat a ham sandwich with the other.” He was hilarious.

After I left the Funco gig, things were already starting to pretty much fall apart for me, mentally, in Minnesota. I’d been laid off about 346 times, and new management had taken over my previously really cool apartment complex, and they were being real ballbusters to everyone. We all hated them. The complex became a haven of bad problems, and one of my more satisfying moments was watching the health inspectors show up after I and several other residents called them anonymously to inform the city that the complex, once well run and very well maintained, was now a haven for mice and all manner of nonsense. It was just a few days before I moved, and boy, was the new management pissed.

During this time Kevin had been calling me often, leaving me voicemail. I never called him back. After a few conversations in the beginning after the Funco gig wrapped up for me and I moved to another assignment, I never spoke to him again. I think of Kevin at odd times and I feel guilty because, you know, Kevin was a really good guy. He really was, and he didnt deserve what I did to him. It’s just that…something in me wanted to cut off all communication from everyone. I didnt want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. It was the beginning of a very, very, very bad time for me, one that I still have not fully recovered right now, as I write this, six years later.

I sure wish I could talk to Kevin now, find out how he’s doing, and apologize to him for cutting him off like that. Explain that it wasnt him, that it was me, my fault, and that I wanted to talk to him. I forced myself not to. I still dont know why. In doing so, I pushed away someone who would have been a really, really good friend.

Well, what’s done is done now, and I can’t take it back. But still, the Internets are a big place. So, Kevin, if by some miracle you ever happen by and read this post, it’s me, Jo. I’m sorry I never called you back. You were a joy to work with, and you made me look forward to each day. I loved talking to you. You were hilarious. You were a goddamn nice guy. You deserved better than what I gave you, and I regret how I treated you. I have no rational excuse for what I did - it was the end of my ability to be rational - but rest assured that it wasn’t because of anything YOU did that made me stop speaking to you.

It was the beginning of my nineteenth nervous breakdown, and so what I was probably doing in my own twisted way was sparing you the misery of my presence, as well as just trying to hide from everything and everybody in my desperate hope that the world would go away and leave me alone. I’m really, really sorry. I did then, and do now, wish you the best of everything. You deserve it.

If you do see, this, drop me some email. I’d really love to hear from you. Take good care of yourself.

Just make sure to keep an eye on which hand youre using for that ham sandwich, okay?