omgwtf!

Youve probably heard by now of the new cell ringtone that’s become a favourite of naughty students in high schools everywhere…it’s an offshoot of some anti-teenager technology known as the Mosquito, or “Chavbuster,” by a company who developed a device that emits an annoying tone at a frequency set too high for most adults to hear, but which younger folks can hear just fine.

Apparently, this tone that usually only younger folks can hear is supposed to be annoying enough to prevent them from hanging around disreputably in front of your store or something. All I know is that those have to be some pretty pansy-ass teenagers. A more effective repellent for me would be something along the lines of rap, Madonna, or Britney Spears. You know. Legitimately bad noises.

Anyway, I heard about this and I was intrigued to see if, being 41 now as of last Friday and dealing with some recent and fabulously irritating hearing problems myself, I was able to hear this tone. Due to some kind of mysterious bathing misadventure back in April, I got water stuck in my inner ear and as a result was not only subjected to tinnitus (at first a quite interesting, but after a few weeks merely tedious experience) as well as suffering roughly 95 percent hearing loss in my right ear, and on top of that my allergies have clogged up both of my ears so that speaking on the phone is a major hassle. The hearing in my right ear has since (thankfully) almost completely returned, but the allergies remain and anyone who speaks to me on a regular basis can tell you that my most oft-repeated contribution to any conversation is “what? I can’t hear you.” It’s very annoying, both to me and I’m sure to whoever is trying to talk to me.

So, I found the below-linked NYT article today and they have a link to an MP3 of the 17-hertz frequency tone. Considering my age, my lifelong addiction to listening to eardrum-punishing music…both live and recorded…at suicidally high volume, my considerable allergies, and my recent water-in-the-ear buggery, I figured that it’d be a no-brainer that I wouldnt be able to hear this thing at all.

To my surprise, though, it came through loud and clear and kind of made my head feel that it was filling up with some kind of gently-pulsating gel which caused my cranium to swell slightly. So that was kind of neat. On the down side, I also realize now after repeated listenings that it’s given me a headache. What I dont understand is why so many articles, like this NYT article, refer to this tone as “virtually inaudible” or otherwise describe it as being less of a sound and more like a feeling. I can attest to the fact that it is both: I was definitely able to hear it very clearly, and the feeling it gave me was first that it made my head throb a bit and now I have a headache. But I definitely heard it. It was decidedly, unmistakably auditory.

I listened to it a few times and discovered that not only could I hear it very clearly at the highest volume, but I could also hear it with the volume literally set at 2 (out of 100 in Winamp Pro). For someone who can’t hear a goddamn thing on the telephone, I’d say that’s pretty damned good. It’s also good for some of those little snappers who think they can get away with that shit in class that I’m not their teacher. Then again, it’s bad for me. I think I’d kind of enjoy nailing a little wisenheimer with this ringtone and making them write “I shall not use my cell phone for nefarious purposes or make my teacher out for a deaf old stooge in class” 850,000 times.

Due tomorrow morning.

All this serves to remind me, at 4:45 AM Pacific, that I totally forgot my doctor’s appointment on Monday. I’m going to have to call to apologize and reschedule. And maybe I will take that hearing test the doctor wanted me to take, after all. Now I’m curious.

So…can you hear it?

A Ring Tone Meant to Fall on Deaf Ears - New York Times